The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get
photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too think to
get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire
a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured
by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure
enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with
his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! let's go!" The pilot swung the
plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the
north side of the fire, " said the photographer, "and make three or
four low level passes. " "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going
to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take
pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a
long pause the pilot said "You mean you're not the instructor?"
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig. the other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. these two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but he couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
the hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy
who plants the trees is sick today."
Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted and they poison him. the second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted and after he write his letter, they kill him, saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?"
He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for
breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She
said she can't feel her legs!"
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. the doctor says to the first old man "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man, "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Two molecules are walking down the street and one starts looking around. The other asks, "What's wrong?"
"I have lost my electron!"
"Are you sure?"
So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul month is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in the kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says "Awfully sorry about all the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
The Doctor says "I've got cream for that"
"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gough, and this stool I'm sitting on was once on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No Way! That's impossible" the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look." the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh - he comes right back up and sails back thru the window. "See? it's fun. You should try it." he says.
"Try It" I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh - he comes right back up and sails thru the window., "Give it a try. it's a blast." he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try." the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90...100 feet and splat - he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this the second guy casually closes with window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
A: Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
A: Because if they were small, round, smooth, white and hairless, they'd be aspirin tablets.
A: A widow
A: Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan